What If? 2021 Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight

Welcome to What If, a new feature from imaginative illustrator Abimelec Arellano and Hagerty. We’ll be taking you back in time—and possibly forward into the future—to meet alternative-universe automobiles. Even better, our time machine is working well enough to bring “short take” reviews along with the photographs and advertisements. Buckle up and enjoy the ride! — Jack Baruth

(Originally published in McKeel’s Magazine, January 2021 issue)

Is Oldsmobile the strongest brand in America right now? With the addition of the new-for-2021 Cutlass, the answer is very possibly “You betcha.” The Cutlass joins the Omega compact crossover, Salon two-row crossover, Eighty-Eight three-row crossover, Ninety-Eight full-sized crossover, Regency extended-wheelbase full-sizer, and the surprisingly popular Firenza electric city car in a Murderer’s Row of domestic-luxury offerings.

Still, when Chevrolet introduced a new Tahoe last year, all eyes were on the Rocket Division to see if they’d fumble the ball. As the most important and profitable General Motors SUV, the Ninety-Eight simply cannot fail. It was therefore the last and most extensively altered variant to be released, arriving in showrooms a full six months after its GMC “Jimmy” version and Buick “Electra 245” siblings.

This is the fifth SUV to wear the Ninety-Eight name; the first, introduced in 1999, was a simple badge-engineering of the Tahoe. The GMT900 variant, arriving in 2008, was the first to have a “Vista Roof,” Oldsmobile’s retro tribute to the Vista Cruisers of thirty years before. Much like the “safari window” setup on the Land Rover Discovery, the Vista Roof allows rear-seat passengers to sit higher and enjoy more natural light. Once customers saw the (roof-mounted sky-)light, they weren’t going back; this is probably how the Ninety-Eight became the best-selling luxury SUV in history.

It was obvious that the new Ninety-Eight would have a Vista Roof. Less obvious: whether it would continue the accidental tradition of drawing quite heavily from the fascia styling of its Chevrolet cousins. This close-to-Tahoe look, although it was an unpleasant necessity on the first-generation Ninety-Eight, has since become a signature of the marque. Oldsmobile styling director Freeman Thomas explains: “We’ve had the budget to do a completely separate styling treatment since GMT900, as we do with the Electra 245, but Ninety-Eight buyers appreciate the references to the Chevrolet product, with a few uniquely Olds touches of course. It keeps the vehicle feeling down-to-earth and affordable—and it leaves all the differentiation budget for the inside.”

That interior, by the way, is a stunner. Oldsmobile was the first automaker to go “full vegan” a decade ago; there’s no leather available in a Ninety-Eight. What you get instead is a full LCD dashboard, leatherette trim for the touch points, and unique puffy velour seats. “If you see someone in an Oldsmobile, you know they’re cruelty-free,” Thomas notes. “This doesn’t mean you can’t take your family out for President Chelsea’s monthly hamburger ration, assuming you’ve accumulated enough Facebook Behavior Points to earn that ration … it just means you won’t be harming any other animals, or the climate, on the way there and back!”

As with the last Ninety-Eight, this one is powered by a 4.8-liter variant of the second-generation Aurora DOHC engine, putting out 400 horsepower at 7200 rpm and coupled to a ten-speed automatic with a full-time all-wheel-drive transaxle. General Motors Chairman Mark Reuss was emphatic: “We don’t take chances with Ninety-Eight, so the electric SUV powertrain we’re offering in the GMC Jimmy won’t show up here until we are certain it’s not going to electrocute any more buyers … er, I mean, until we have the badges ready.”

Compared to the “Blue Flame” straight-six in the Tahoe, the Ninety-Eight’s engine feels Herculean. An optional “Brougham” off-road package, as seen on our test example, makes sure that your luxury car is ready for anything on or off the road to your dreams. The monochrome exterior, a signature of the brand going back to the first-generation Aurora, ensures respectability in the country-club parking lot.

Given that the “Regency” long-wheelbase version of the Ninety-Eight accounts for one in five sales, we can expect to see it reappear on the new chassis within a few months, possibly with a supercharged powertrain. Oldsmobile says that more than half of Regency owners tow boats or campers on a regular basis, so this would be a genuinely popular option.

“Listen,” Reuss told us, “I’m not saying Oldsmobile is the reason Toyota closed their Lexus dealers a few years ago. And I’m also not saying that the Ninety-Eight caused DaimlerFiatChrysler to bring out the New Yorker on the Ram truck platform. But I’m not not saying that, if you get what I mean. I hope you get what I mean. But I have my doubts, because you look like an idiot. You’re one of those people who takes pictures on the Internet with their mouths hanging open in this kind of submissive smile, like you just got a new Nintendo thingy. Nobody has a photo of me doing that, because I would never do that. Now do you get what I’m saying or not?” At this point, we decided it was safest to terminate the interview and seek medical attention.

With a base price of $74,995, and the Regency projected to start in the mid-eighties, there’s nothing cheap about getting into the world of the Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight. Maybe that’s why the rap group Public Enemy reunited earlier this month to release the track “You Finally Got Yours,” containing the following lyrics:

In this corner with the Ninety-Eight
Always seats seven, sometimes seats eight
What’s the truck some think is great?
It’s that one! (2021!)
Driving by on automatic assist
Makin’ ’em mad when I’m goin’ like this
Top gun, never on the run
(They know not to come cause they all get some)
SuperCruise driving in the speedin’ lane
Jealous can’t do it and it’s causin’ them pain
Velour on the chairs, getting mad stares
Brougham package we’re disaster prepared
Out that window, middle finger for all
Jealous at my ride, cause it’s seven feet tall
Suckers they got the nerve and gall
(To talk about the truck from their Vanderhalls)

Sign the dotted line and motivate
This Ninety-Eight!
(You fin’ly got yours!)

Alas, our plans to get performance numbers for the new Ninety-Eight were derailed when a fellow autowriter, who was attempting to get his rented “luxury” watch shipped back to his favorite “luxury” watch-rental place before the UPS Store closed, managed to drive his borrowed Mercedes 730GE truck right into the front door of our Ninety-Eight. What kind of person rents a watch? Just buy your own watches! There are watch stores everywhere! Bad enough that you don’t have a car of your own. Why can’t you manage to rise to the exalted heights of owning a watch? While we wait for the fleet companies to sort out the problem, and while we figure out what the daily surcharge is on a rented piece of jewelry, you’ll also have to wait to find out if this big beast can crack the quarter-mile in under fifteen seconds. Right now, as the Magic 9-Ball would say… all signs point to yes!