7 May 2013

Accessories to a Crime

The Uncoolest Auto Accessories Money Can Buy


Some things in life are just plain embarrassing, the clothes your mom made you wear in the sixth grade, walking around with a large stain down the front of your pants or sitting on a whoopee cushion, although in that case, it’s more embarrassing to be the perpetrator than the victim. 

And just as there are some things that are embarrassing to do or wear — like a polyester leisure suit  or white patent leather slip-ons — there are certain things that you simply shouldn’t install on your car. To try to save you and your loved ones untold embarrassment, here are five automobile accessories you should never, ever add to your car:

  1. Curb Feelers: If you need these to keep from crashing into the curb, you should probably have a hospital candystriper push you down to the DMV office so you can turn in your driver’s license.
  2. Yellow Plastic Baby on Board Sign: These silly signs do not encourage the drivers behind you to be any more considerate. But they may encourage laughter at your expense, as in “Why would anyone want one of those signs?”

    [Related: Five of the Silliest Automotive Features]
  3. Pine Tree Air Fresheners: If you need these little puppies, you probably need to improve your automotive hygiene and not give other motorists the hint that you have a full ash-tray, a dozen empty pizza boxes, eight years of dog drool on the windows and rancid yogurt containers rolling around under the passenger seat of your classic Mustang.
  4. Truck Nuts: These absolutely tasteless devices evoke what makes a bull a bull and sag from trailer hitches to make the kind of personal statement that few people should ever make.

    [Related: Obsolete Automotive Accessories]
  5. Oversized Rear Wings: Usually found on totally worn out and otherwise stock low-horsepower conveyances with nameplates such as Cavalier, Cutlass Cierra, Escort or Neon, doubling the horsepower wouldn’t create the need for the increased downforce that such laughable wings probably don’t generate. On top of that, any car with such an appendage is at risk of being pulled over by the good taste police.

3 Reader Comments

  • 1
    Dave Claxon Illinois June 22, 2016 at 20:05
    I never had much desire for the "Baby on Board" sign, but in the late '80s and early '90s I had a Porsche 914, which has 2 trunks, and had a "Ex-Wife in Trunk" and "Mother-in-Law in Trunk" both in the back window.
  • 2
    Mike Brienza New Jersey September 8, 2016 at 20:43
    Back in 1987 I had a friend who owned a Yugo who had the yellow sign which read "Stunt Driver On Board". Ironically we met when he was driving on a sidewalk to avoid traffic. During the same time I had one in the window of my IROC that read "Drag Racer On Board" but ended taking it out after a few days because it was a Cop Magnet (both the sign and the bright yellow Camaro). The good news is I still have them and now that they're both Classics I only get pulled over for the cops to get a good look at the car. Now the sign gets a me a chuckle instead of a citation.
  • 3
    John V. Baton Rouge, LA September 8, 2016 at 22:53
    And then there are the stick-on faux "Buick fender portholes" that people seem to love putting on their late model front wheel drive "classics". But to be clear, the chrome "naked lady mudflap chicks" still haven't completely crossed "that" line yet, have they?

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